Friday, April 8, 2011

The City of Lost Angels

I have heard time and time again how people have grown up in small towns and they move to Los Angeles to become big stars. It is so very true and happens day after day, month after month, year after year. This city is where a lot of dreams come true, some people make it up to that big screen, some people go back home, and some people get lost along the way.

Since I moved to Hollywood eleven years ago I have seen a whole lot of this goings on, and you cannot turn a blind eye to the homeless situation that surrounds you on a daily basis. So the best way that I have dealt with it, is to endear the Lost Angels to my heart... Here is my road map to the greatest homeless folks around the city:

#1 Sir Poops A lot: This was my first encounter with the stinking sensation- I had just moved to the corner of El Cerrito and Franklin Ave and was walking to my favorite coffee shop on Hollywood Blvd. when I noticed a man squatting on the sidewalk, going ehhh... Number Two. It was a startling shock, and I tried not to vomit, so instead I smiled at him- tipped my hat and moved quickly away so he could finish his business in ummm, private. I ran into Sir Poops quite a few times in that same neighborhood, and now every time the clubs close down at 2am and I see all the girls take off their towering high heels to walk down the sidewalk barefoot, I just cannot seem to wipe the smile off my face.

#2 The Cat Lady: This lady was a phenomenon because she almost did not seem homeless, with her jeans rolled up and her shirts torn in all the right places, and her brilliant smile never left her face. I liked her the best, not because of her fashion sense, but because of her cat. She had the coolest tiger striped cat that would ride on her shoulders as she walked in between cars on the North/East corner of Highland and Franklin. I swear that cat was never spooked and was so happy just to ride around on his owner... now this is not an easy feat, and since I own a cat, the first time I encountered the Cat Lady I went home to try it with my own feline... I will never do that again, and I still have a scar on my back to show my idiocy.

#3 The Angry Woman: Now this little lady is still there, and I see her daily as I pass the North/West corner of Highland and Franklin. There standing in front of the big old Church is the angriest woman I have ever encountered... and sometimes the quietest, you never know what you are gonna get. I have learned in passing to keep your head down and to avert your eyes, walking quickly and briskly by. Do Not Sing, Do Not Smile, Do Not Make Eye Contact- EVER! For this Angry Woman will yell obscenities that would make a preacher sweat, and will scare the living crap out of you as she chases you down the street... not far, but far enough that you will cross the street before walking past her again.

#4 My Bum: This guy has got the best gig and is super resourceful. Firstly, he was located one entire summer near the underpass of Gower and Franklin, one street away from the Hollywood sign, ten feet away from a liquor store, and another ten feet from the Gower exit; where he set up daily shop with his 'Donation' sign and a bottle of booze at his side. Now, this guy was not only thinking Location, Location, Location, he also had handily set up a 4 man tent, and was living in street style. I really liked this fella, who was always friendly and chatty, I was sorry to see him go when the winter came. It was my Niece who loved him most, we passed him daily when she was staying with us that summer, and she would smile and wave at him and say "There's my Bum!"

#5 And finally, the most endearing of all, and new on my list... The Showman. This is the man I just recently encountered on the corner of Vine and Franklin, as I was exiting from the freeway, and stopped at the stop sign, my eyes did a double take at what I thought I was seeing on the South/West corner. Oh yes. I've seen it all now. Cock, hairy balls, and a smile- was all this guy was wearing. My eyes began to burn, and I was instantly taken back to College, where my roommate had this poster hanging on her bedroom wall, of some hot piece of man with the saying 'Not all men are created equal'... Yep. It's true. What's funny is that when I told a few friends about it, they asked- 'well was he totally naked?' and I had to try to go back to that shining memory and figure out where his clothes were, yes, I believe that his pants were around his ankles- but other than that, Nope... I got nothing.

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